The Most Ludicrous Superhero Crossover in History
by Augustine Quill
Summary: Bluntman & Chronic (from the Viewaskew movies) meet up with fellow less orthodox superheros. You have been warned.
1. Black Rage

I guess the title says it all.

  
  


I apologize in advance for slurs and stereotypes used (idotically, of course; this is a superhero crossover) that may offend anyone. Remember, half these characters are idiots.

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Red Bank, New Jersey

Present

  
  
  
  


Deep below stately Weed Manor lies the secret headquarters of Bluntman and Chronic: the Bluntcave, where our heros discuss something of the upmost importance.

  
  


"Fuck, no! Man. Look it was fun when we taught her to smoke, but I don't want this fucking monkey around all the time!" said the Boy Blunder.

  
  


The Hemp Knight shook his head pleadingly and held Suzanne the orangutan close to him, protectively.

  
  


"What the fuck, man?" Chronic said. "I come back from the dead and what? No 'Welcome Back, Jay.' No 'Yeah! Chronic's back. Let's go get some mad pussy.' No, you replace me with a fucking monkey! Fuck that! Put her out on the porch!"

  
  


Silent Bob aka Bluntman begrudgingly escorts Suzanne outside and returns.

  
  


"Don't look at me like 'Jay, you suck dogs for quarters.' Man, she kept getting monkey shit all over the bluntcave. What are we gonna do if the Blunt signal shows up and I run to get my stash and then slip on some monkey shit? I already fuckin died once!"

  
  


Bluntman looks at him with big doe eyes.

  
  


"What's the worst thing that can happen hanging around by the porch?"

  
  


Bluntman points to a Wanted Poster of the Diddler.

  
  


"Dude, no one's gonna come by here. Again."

  
  


KA-BOOM! It seems the Boy Blunder was mistaken. A new hole in the cave appears and the deadly Diddler appeared in the secret headquarters of the Doobage Duo.

  
  


"Motherfucker." Chronic said. "What the fuck do you want Diddler?"

  
  


"I've come for you, Hemp Heros. Once I capture and unmask Bluntman and Chronic, I'll be getting mad pussy. Just enough pussy I need to rid myself of this incessant." He falters and motions his head to the two hands down his pants.

  
  


"Jacking off?" Chronic supplies.

  
  


"Motherfucker! Get them!" Diddler comands.

  
  


"Snootchy-Bootchies! Let's get em, Bluntman!" Chronic yells. 

  
  


The Doobage duo soundly thrashes Diddler's thugs, but in that climatic battle, the Dastardly Diddler climaxes! He secretes a sinister surge of semen that hits the Boy Blunder!!!

  
  


"Ewwww, man! It's on me, Bluntman! It's on me!" Chronic yells.

  
  


The Silent Stoner Savior runs to aid his friend, but he too is jabbed by jeopardous jism!

  
  


"I got you now, Bluntman and Chronic!" the Diddler yells.

  
  


"Absolute shameful behavior from a self-respecting nigger." said a powerful, authoritative voice.

  
  


"Holy Fucking Bamboozled, Bluntman!" Chronic said. "It's White-Hating Coon!"

  
  


"That's right, Crackers." said the Nubian Knight. "Time for the Brother man to take back what's ours." The White-hating Coon fires off a Black Fist Rocket from his wrist launcher that explodes into a net capturing the Diddler.

  
  


"No! I was so close." shouts the Diddler.

  
  


"Nigga, there are better ways to get some booty than by beating up a bunch of white boys."

  
  


"Try dancing." Chronic suggests.

  
  


"Shut the fuck up!"

  
  


A calvacade of Caucasian Coppers come in and immediately approach our Dark-Hued Hero.

  
  


"Not Me, Motherfuckers!! You came for the two white boys covered in cum," White-hating Coon said, "but take that nigger with his hands down his pants for breaking and entering my new property."

  
  


"_Your _new property?" Chronic said bewildered. "Wait, the Bluntcave belongs to us!"

  
  


"Actually, this property used to belong to a Jay Phat Buds, but he neglected to pay his taxes last year."

  
  


Bluntman looks at Chronic annoyed. "Dude, I was fucking dead!"

  
  


"The state auctioned off the property and _moi_ was the highest bidder." said the Nubian Knight. "Now get off my property, Crackers!"

  
  


"Fuck this, let's get out of here, Bluntman!" Chronic said.

  
  


Bluntman stops him and pantomimes a monkey. 

  
  


"Oh yeah, we got get our porch monkey." Chronic said.

  
  


"Porch Monkey?!" White-Hating Coon says, suddenly very angry.

  
  


"Suzanne. Our monkey. We left her on our porch."

  
  


"PORCH MONKEY???!!!!" 

  
  


"That's what I said. What the fuck? You got cotton in your ears or something?"

  
  


"COTTEN?????!!!!!!" White-Hating Coon shouts as he pulls out his bag of watermelon bombs and starts throwing them at our heros! "BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!!"

  
  


Bluntman and Chronic run for their lives taking shelter in the alley ways of Red Bank.

  
  


"Is the coast clear?" Chronic asks.

  
  


Bluntman nods. 

  
  


"What the fuck did I say?" Chronic asks pointing in the direction they just came from.

  
  


Bluntman shrugs.

  
  


"Well, this sucks, Silent Bob. I get sliced and half by Cock-knocker and die and the week I come back to life, I get shit for not paying my taxes while I was dead. That Shaft wanna-be took our lair, and we lost our monkey and all our blunt gear."

  
  


Just then a Gigantic Joint Jets to our heros and lands. It's the Blunt-Plane! It opens up to reveal Suzanne the Monkey as the puzzling pilot!

  
  


"Dude, that is one Funky Monkey!" Chronic says. "Snootchy-Bootchies!"

  
  



	2. Gay Porn

  
  
  
  


"So, White-Hating Coon bought your Blunt-Cave from the government?" asks a friendly voice

  
  


"Ain't that some shit?" Chronic concurs.

  
  


We are at the home of Detective Borden. Trusted friend to the Doobage Duo.

  
  


"Wait, I thought you died." Det. Borden said.

  
  


"I get that a lot, but I figure 'Fuck. Death didn't stop Superman. Death didn't stop Wonder Woman. Death didn't even stop that Green Archer fuck. Why the hell does death have to stop Chronic!'"

  
  


"How _did_ you come back to life?"

  
  


"Heh. Like it matters."

  
  


"Well, when you're right you're right. It's been one hell of month for you guys." said the Detective. "Chronic dies then comes back to life as Chronic."

  
  


"Hey, wait a minute!" Chronic interjects.

  
  


"You lose your Blunt-Cave and to top it all off, they're making a gay porn movie of you two."

  
  


"That about sums it up." Chronic said. "Wait a minute. WHAAAAAAAT? What gay porn movie?"

  
  


"Oh, don't tell me you haven't heard about the gay porn movie that uses your likeness. Don't you read _Penthouse_?"

  
  


"There's words in _Penthouse_?"

  
  


"Look: 'Following the success of _Orgazmo_ and _Orgazmo 2_, Super-hero Action-Adventure porn movies are now a hot commodity, but not without controversy. After pioneer director Maxxx Orbison was arrested four years ago for kidnapping, the ground-breaking genre hit a falter. But with movies like _Buttman _and _The Sperminator_, super-hero action-adventure porn is hot again. Orbison, who was released from prison last month, will direct the independently-funded new movie based on real life superheros, Bluntman and Chronic. Orbision says the decision to portray the Doobage Duo as homosexual comes from his backer.'"

  
  


"His backer? The guy that pays for all that? Who is it?"

  
  


"Doesn't say, but there's a picture of him. His head looks kind of bulbous."

  
  


Bluntman and Chronic look at the picture and Bluntman's eyes light up with a silent _Eureka_. Bluntman points to the picture and then to his groin.

  
  


"What? You got to take a piss?" Chronic calculates incorrectly.

  
  


Bluntman shakes his head and points to the picture and his crotch.

  
  


"What? Why don't you fucking talk? Why do you have to be such a dick?!" Chronic says. Then he realizes. "Dickhead!"

  
  


"Your archnemesis, Dickhead?" asks the detective. "That crook!"

  
  


"That's it, Bluntman! Dickhead's trying to ruin our good names by making this movie."

  
  


"First of all, I don't know how good your names are. Second, why would being portrayed as gay be bad?" pondered Det. Borden.

  
  


"Because, Detective, say one night Bluntman and I rescue these two fine hotties who want to suck our dicks, but the she doesn't because she thinks we're all gay and shit thanks to some dumb-ass movie! Then she sucks two other guys' dicks! Well, fuck that! We gotta go to Hollywood and stop that fucking movie from being made."

  
  


"You know you probably have a point. Dickhead probably acquired those funds illegally." said the Detective.

  
  


"Uh, sure. Whatever." Chronic said. "Come on Bluntman. We're going to Hollywood! Snootchy-Bootchies!"

  
  


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For those of you who haven't figured out which superhero(s) our Bluntastic Duo will be meeting, shame on you.


End file.
